Can sadness and gratitude co-exist?

Just a few days left until I celebrate my Miracle 42 and boy have the last few days been an emotional rollercoaster. To be quite honest I think the entire household has been feeling the same way.

With all the extra downtime these days I find myself deep in thought really dissecting my thought patterns and diving into the psyche of "Ria". I guess you could say I'm in the process of deep reflection. Allowing myself to sit in my discomfort so that I can make peace with it.

Like the saying goes. "History repeats itself until we learn the lessons that we need to change our path." Easier said than done, especially when we haven't yet figured out the lesson because we are too blinded by what we want to see.

Coming from a somewhat traditional Filipino family, mental health was never a topic of discussion. Feeling sad or angry or speaking your truth meant you lacked respect, gratitude or prayer. So for a people pleasing empath like myself I learned to just cope. I would never risk being looked at as ungrateful or disrespectful. So I would give so much of myself to everyone else. Then I would be drained mentally and emotionally. I would then feel guilty for not being more grateful and the cycle would continue.

I became a pushover and I would actually pride myself on being so selfless. Worst part was I had to keep up the persona of being perfect. The perfect daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend, wife, mom. I followed things by the book, do what was expected of me. Eventually I would trust others more than myself cause how dare I question someone's intentions.

In hindsight, none of that lead to the "perfect life" that I envisioned. Only now am I beginning to understand.

Those that truly know me know that I have had my share of challenges, heartache, betrayal just downright "f@cked up sh$t!" Somehow I got even more comical. I would cry behind the scenes dust myself off and carry on. I would carry all the weight in my heart and shoulders like Kyle Lowry carrying that Larry O'brien in 2019.

My heart was broken but I got so damn good at hiding it that even I was fooled. I would take on more. I HAD to be able to do everything. Asking for help was just not an option. I conditioned myself to believe that doing it all and being it all would prove to everyone else especially me that I'm a survivor. Anything less meant I failed.

Then in 2020 a week or two after my 40th birthday something that sat deep in my heart for 8 years resurfaced and as much as it was a deeply hurtful revelation it was a turning point. But it had to completely break me first. So much so that by this time last year my soul had enough. It was time to surrender, whether I liked it or not. There was no more bartering with the Lord. My soul, my spirit and my heart was finally getting the rest it so desperately needed. I had to trust that I would be taken care of. That I too was worthy of love. All the love I had poured out into the universe all these years made its way back to me.

Could I finally be figuring out the lesson?

It's still a work in progress.

But one thing stood out the most. I had to make space in my heart. Who was worthy to take up space? The hurt and the resentment

was taking up space but I was paying its rent with inflation.

But something was still a miss.

Amidst all the gratitude I felt for the outpouring of love and support. The abundance of prayers from all over the world. The new friendships. The health care team that kept me alive. God! Why did I still feel sadness? Why was I feeling guilty for being sad?

Thank God for my tribe who remind me that I am worthy of validating my feelings. I have lived my days carrying the hurt but I masked it with the hustle and bustle of my life. Balancing work and motherhood. I was living my life like a robot on cruise control. Living in the moment did not exist. I wanted to do everything cause I thought that gave me meaning, a sense of purpose. I WAS WRONG!

I had to stop INVALIDATING myself. I have to accept that I am human. I can lay in my misery at times. I can cry publicly. My anxiety is part of me and that's ok. I can fail, I can make mistakes. I am worthy to feel sadness. All of the hurt, the sadness, the heartbreak, the betrayal the failures is exactly the reason why I'm overflowing with gratitude. Inspite of it all I continue to live my life with kindness, love sincerity, forgiveness and understanding.

In the words of Lizzo -

"Oh, I've been so down and under pressure

I'm way too fine to be this stressed, yeah

Oh, I'm not the girl I was or used to be

Uh, bitch, I might be better"

I'm not just RIA anymore I'm RIA2.0

https://www.facebook.com/reel/3308903966064948?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V&mibextid=0NULKw