Permission to BE!

Finding the right words to say to someone who lost a loved one is probably one of the most challenging things. How do you find the right combination of words to convey the right balance of sincerity, sensitivity and optimism? I dont want to sound like I copied the words off a greeting card, but I also want to say something powerful but sincere. "Sincere condolences" seems so "meh". The more experiences I had the more I realized that it doesn't matter what I say it will never be enough to lessen the pain. I've learned that the best thing is to keep it as simple as "I'm sorry" and just hold space for them to BE! Some painful experiences are meant to be just that; A PAINFUL EXPERIENCE!

There is no solution, you just go through the experience with every part of your being and along the way you'll collide with two different types of people; the ones that try to help you find an unachievable solution and the ones that sit with you as you "ugly cry". Only in the last few years did this really hit deep for me. To be honest regulating my emotions freely continues to be a work in progress. A death of a longtine family friend left me with a task to revisit the shadows of my inner child to understand the reason behind why I hated crying in front of people.

After my divorce I found myself venting to all the wrong people. I walked away from these interactions feeling unfulfilled. I realize now that I didn't need anybody to validate my feelings, or solve my problems or even agree with me. I just wanted a safe space to have an emotional breakdown. I've come to discover that

not everyone has the capacity to sit with you in your pain because sitting with their own is already a challenge. Then we have people like myself, who show more compassion for everyone else because it's not only easier but for whatever reason I feel guilty being in pain. It's as though I feel unworthy of feeling pain, because there is somebody else in this world that has it worse than me. In all the years of my existence I have taken pride in being "emotionally invinceable". I truly believed that vulnerability was some sort of weakness. As I try to breakdown these unhealthy patterns I've come to realize that my way of thinking is actually quite egotistical. It's as though I've been conditioned to believe that having the ability to not show my pain makes me "stronger" than everyone else. Why did I think this way? More importantly how do I stop this pattern.

I stumbled upon a term called "eldest daughter syndrome".

Eldest daughter syndrome is the burden felt by oldest daughters because of their unique childhood experience. -wiki

Often times these daughters fall victim to "parentification" where they are given adult responsibilities before they are prepared for them. This leads to anxiety, the need to be perfect and in control and an unwanted innate ability to "people please".

For me people pleasing also meant keeping my emotions "under control" or basically hide them, unless of course they are feelings of happiness. But even feeling happy made me feel guilty.

This realization is the first step towards change. Though there was a moment in time when I resented my birth order, I now view it as a privilege. It helped to shape the person that I am now and established the relationships I have with my siblings. It has also given me a clearer perspective on parenting and that like my own parents I do the best I can with what I know. This revelation is the reason I strive to humanize "parenting" and focus on what I need to do to raise happy children into emotionally intelligent adults. Parenting is hard work, but there is not one concrete way to do it and my children teach me more about myself and parenting more than they or I realize.

The idea of humanizing parenting is understanding that nobody has it figured out. Some days are a succes and others feel like they are a complete failure. Parenting changes with each child with each moment and each circumstance. People are parenting from a different set of skills and lived experiences some beautiful, some traumatic. The best thing we can do for the next generation is understanding our own experiences. Believe that we are worthy to hold space for our own emotions and accepting that perfection is not attainable under any circumstances. Success isn't determined by anybody else but ourselves. It's also not measured by money, belongings, "friendships", or education. If happiness isn't a part of your definition of success having everything will never be enough. One of my biggest goals as a parent is to foster a safe space for my kids where they don't fear making mistakes and feel confident to ride the waves of their emotions. I want them to not only understand but truly believe that my success as a parent doesn't come from the accolades they achieve but in their journey to find happiness and passion in everything they do not perfection.

Every day is a new opportunity to be a better version of yourself. Growth has no limit but only you limit your growth. Rather than striving for perfection; strive for happiness. Everything else will fall into place because what's meant for you will never pass you by. With that being said you have to be brave enough to honor the sadness to feel that happiness. Being brave doesn't mean you have to embark on the journey alone or quietly. You are worthy to ask for help, to ask for patience, kindness and understanding. Somewhere out there is someone hurting just like you, ready to hold space for you. Don't cheat yourself from this connection because everything happens with purpose not by coincidence. Emotions are neither bad or good but they are meant to be FELT. It is only when we allows ourselves to feel, that we learn to manage and make sense of these emotions. Ultimately, allowing ourselves to feel is honouring our right to LIVE.

Dedicated to the memory of Paul Linzender

"Basement jams on black and white tiled floors"